April Catch-up!

It's been a while!

April's been good to me. The season is opening up, and while it's been raining plenty, I've also have my fair share of sunshine.

So in April, Mike realized that he'd signed up for the Sun Run, but really hadn't done any training. He finished, however, with a great time! I was particularly proud that he finished 10km, when he'd admitted that he'd only ever run 7km at at time. Yay Mike! I plan on running next year when I've developedmy running skills better. after estimating how long it would take me to run 10Km for the entry form, they would have put me in the  walker's category....I'm a self proclaimed very very slow runner.

Michael prepping for Sun Run. He likes cereal.

The Sun Run winner. Only 30 minutes ahead of Mike

April also brought with it Canuck Fever! Despite my hockey-free upbringing, I have managed to get in the spirit of the game, and have really enjoyed going out to watch hockey - and I've even picked up some of the rules/ can follow the puck on the tv screen! I say that, but I remarked two days ago that it only took Mike 8 years to get me there... So yesterday, I crated that little gem of a rallying poster that's up on our solarium window.

Sign on our solarium window

April was also my first "anniversary" of work at BC Children's Hospital. Yay me! Of course, that also meant yearly review time. Let's just say that it got me thoroughly stressed out and riled up. So in reply, I opted to do plenty of things very not work related. I met up with a Kamloops friend...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Friend with brand new Kilt

I also started the process of volunteering with a couple of organizations in the city. One's the Stanley Park Ecological Society (where I'll guide tween school groups as they camp out in Stanley Park), and the other's Bard on the Beach! I think both will be super fun, and give me the opportunity to meet a whole bunch of new people in the city.

And then, April marked the 5-month countown to project Ball-McBurnie. Freakout ensued. Amongst all the planning, calling, emailing, researching, money-sending, and decision-making, we made some time for fun stuff....

Meg really likes the massage chairs we tried out.

...like registering for wedding gifts. It's actually a lot tougher than you'd think, especially when you feel like you've already got pretty well everything you need and you're home's the size of a postage stamp. But we started, anyway. I also managed to secure a photographer, some sweet vintage transportation, an appointment for cake tasting, and the cutting out of some very, very expensive dupioni silk (which game me a minor anxiety attack). April was a good month for wedding planning...but there's still so much more to do! 

And with April, you also have the arrival of Easter. I made the mistake of sending out paper invitations through the mail to encourage my friends to actually come to the Easter supper I was planning. Generally the return rate on an informal invitation is aboput 20%. I got closer to an 80-90% return rate ( including my parents from Kamloops who didn't get an invite at all!), which meant that I would be serving 15-17 people supper in my tiny abode! In the end, I was quite thankful that may parents came (they were a wonderful help in the kitchen for a girl who'd bever cooked a turkey before), and everyone who came brought delicious food for eating while we all watched the Vancouver Canucks play hockey (though they lost that game). It was a truly successful supper!

The only mar on the holiday was the death of my little hammie, Jude.

Hey, Jude.

Jude was about 2 and a half years old (quite aged in hampster circles). I came home from work Saturday and checked in on him (to make sure he was still breathing, which I often did even when he was just a midge of a hampster). He wasn't breathing quite right, so I though I'd pick him up and give 'em some cuddles. He was chilled. uh o. That day, he  wasn't just "getting old and dying," he was actively dying. He didn't flinch when I picked him up, and he was mostly limp. At one point, I was even able to push some food out of his food pouch and out of his mouth. So I snuggled him into my sweater near my shoulder and tried to keep him warm from 11am-2:30opm. His breathing pattern changed a number of times - at one point he was only breathing 5 times/minute (less than half od what humans breathe). Poor guy. I was supposed to be sleeping off a night shift, but I was too focused on trying to make sure Jude was comfortable on what was his last day. at 2:30, Meg and my parents arrived home. I passed Jude over to Meg so I could go pee, and in that 15 seconds, he died. He died in Meg's hands while I was in the bathroom. *sigh*

That's the way things are, though. And he'll get a really nice funeral soon. I wrapped him up in paper towel, and Mike put in in  a plastic bag marked "Jude" in the freezer, where he's interred until I go to Kamloops. We're going to send him off to Valhalla on a little flaming boat on the Thompson River. See you later, little peanutty buddy!

And that's April, in a nutshell! May will be fun, I know - it's my birthday coming up! the quarter century! More Spring (and hopefully less rain in Vancouver!)!

Hey Jude,

don't make it bad
Take a sad song and make it better
Remember to let her into your heart
Then you can start to make it better


Hey Jude, don't be afraid
You were made to go out and get her
The minute you let her under your skin
Then you begin to make it better


And anytime you feel the pain, hey Jude, refrain
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders
For well you know that it's a fool who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder
Na na na, na na, na na na na


Hey Jude, don't let me down
You have found her, now go and get her
Remember to let her into your heart
Then you can start to make it better


So let it out and let it in, hey Jude, begin
You're waiting for someone to perform with
And don't you know that it's just you? Hey Jude, you'll do
The movement you need is on your shoulder
Na na na, na na, na na na na, yeah


Hey Jude, don't make it bad
Take a sad song and make it better
Remember to let her under your skin
Then you begin to make it better
Better, better, better, better, better, oh!


Na na na, na-na na na
Na-na na na, hey Jude
Na na na, na-na na na
Na-na na na, hey Jude


Na na na, na-na na na
Na-na na na, hey Jude
Na na na, na-na na na
Na-na na na, hey Jude


Na na na, na-na na na
Na-na na na, hey Jude
Na na na, na-na na na
Na-na na na, hey Jude

Tell Valhalla I say hello, peanutty-buddy.

Flexing My "No" Muscle

This nursing thing is hard. I think I'm getting "the knack" with dealing with the kids (I even think that I'm starting to develop a little bit of intuition), but the rest of the job is mentally exhausting - the paperwork, the co-workers, the parents, the administrators - are all running me down.

I've been trying to keep the work-life balance in check (through getting into the wedding planning, trying to sleep really well, and starting a few volunteering gigs), but I still spent much of the weekend fretting over a request that my co-ordinator gave to me. I told her "no." Actually, I told her voicemail no because I was procrastinating telling her no in person and eventually I realized that she was off work for the day. I just didn't feel like I had a reason strong enough for her for me to say no. But I really wanted to. On Sunday, I spent a chunk of the day dealing with staffing issues (sick calls, empty hours for the day that needed filling) that could have been nullified if I'd just said "yes." But I didn't. So I was feeling a whole lot of guilt because I thought I was putting my peers and coworkers through more stress for my own needs....wants.

And to make it worse for myself, I'm working a night shift tonight- but I was "unassigned" meaning that there wasn't any staffing need for me and that I would just float around the three units. So where I could have been more useful by saying "yes," I played into my own desires because I knew I'd have a much easier workday if I said no.

In the end, there was a sick call for tonight, and a 1:1 child that needed attention, so I'm being made use of just fine. I really didn't need the weekend of freaking out over how my coordinator was going to guilt me.

But I was entitled to say no. I wanted to say no. I did (albeit indirectly). I dealt with trying to fix my No on Sunday when I was on the line with the staffing office. And they needed me anyway on the night shift.

I've also been doing plenty of self-reflection lately about where I fit in here, and I don't regret saying "no" because I need to have things to look forward to at work. I like working nights sometimes- easier pace, it's quiet, and sometimes you get in some really great 1:1 chat time with a co-worker you don't know very well. I can sometimes craft, or knit, or write letters. I wanted the night shifts this week to catch up on some things that I like. If I didn't have that sometimes, I don't think I would have lasted as long as I have at this job.

So I know what I need to balance life with work. I need to stick to those things in order to keep sane. I think I just need to start flexing my "Fuck, no!" muscle. That's the muscle that lies below your regular "no" muscle that allows you to deny something with utmost conviction, without shame, and without regret. I've got one....it's just little.

Buffy who?

The Neo-Buffy phase continues. After completing my first full week of Tommy Europe's healthy living overhaul called "the 10-lb shred," I earned a new comic book. Delicious. And I ordered the first issue of the Angel comic book. Maybe it'll come in by the end of this week! M also was very kind (I assume after reading my blog) and downloaded every season of Buffy for me, which I can stream to our tv and watch on my days off while M's at work. But apparently watching Buffy makes me old. ugh.

Saturday at work, I was asked to participate in the filming of a video which will eventually be given to parents and kids before they're admitted (to give them a preview of what to expect). I didn't have to do much, and whatever I said was going to be dubbed over with a narrator or music or something. So at one point, I'm suppoed to be standing in the background of a shot, chatting it up with some teenagers. We just chatted, and after they told me about their plans to grow up and marry Justin Bieber, I mentioned my affection for David Boreanaz. crickets chirping. who? Angel from Buffy? "Oh. yeah, I know that show. My mom makes me watch it with her sometimes. But it's soo boring," one of the kids say. AUGH! For real?

Well, I'd got back at them for that pre-emtively when I said implied I thought they were actual psych patients on the unit (I hadn't worked there for a while and it was totally by accident), when in fact they were paid actors. woops.

David Boreanaz. Way hotter than...

Justin Bieber.

My Neo-Buffy Phase

Last night, I had a pretty vivid dream....a Buffy the Vampire Slayer dream. In first person. And Angel/Angelus was there.

I won't go into too much detail for those who aren't on the up-an-up about Buffy, but let's just say it was nerdy. But I didn't find the dream particularly alarming, probably because in the last little while, I've been getting back into the Buffyverse. I'd watched it almost religiously when I was a teenager, but it's been a while since it was part of my daily life. Sure, I'll watch it when it's on at 2pm on my days off, but I actually went out and bought a Buffy comic book (from a real comic book shop) last week. I'd never had a real nerdy moment like that before - walking out of the shop and realizing that my eco-conscious self who opted against a plastic bag and realizing that everyone could see that I bought a Buffy comic....but I'm coming around to it. And if M is wondering what it is that I want for my birthday in May, I'm thinking a coupla DVD sets of either Angel...or Buffy....or both.

Well, I was just thinking about this phase I'm going through. I realized that the last time I went through a similar phase, it was with the Twilight series of books. And I'd done a lot of self reflection after that phase, too. I'd realized that I'd gravitated towards it because my own life at the time was rather depressing, stressful, and probably lonely. I was just finishing nursing school, and I was broke, and going crazy. But I read Twilight, and got totally energized. Something to live vicariously through?

But what am I now? I've been feeling much the same now as I was when I was reading Twilight. And now I've gravitated towards a teen-angsty, frivolous, relationship-based theme again! It feels really silly, and definitely nerdy, and not nearly as "adult" as I'm supposed to be, but it makes me feel happy, so I'm just going to go with it. I fully plan on purchasing the other comics in the Buffy series (I'm a few years behind, but thankfully, Joss Whedon only wrote the storylines for about a 1/3 of the comics out, and I'd rather stick to Joss' work), and I'm going to use them as the "goal" for an upcoming health challenge I'm starting this week (if successful each week, I get to buy one new book). And I certainly didn't mind the adventure I dreamt last night.

Now if only Joss and the Scoobie gang (the cast of Buffy) would get together to make a movie. Then, I think I'd be set.

Tango With the Universe

There are a number of very productive things that I should be doing at this very moment, but I was just out for a stroll/doing errands, and I encountered a peculiar series of events which I felt was important to discuss.

Those in my intimate circle will know that lately I've been rather lonely. It's a mix of working odd hours, having few close friends in this big city, and hormones. I've felt rather cut off from people in general, even though I'm constantly surrounded by them. Well, I'd run 10k today (actually, I ran 7, and walked 3) so I was feeling really good. I showered, dressed in something presentable, and went out in search of a (used...cheap) wooden frame for a craft project of mine. Here's where it starts.

#1. I see a man looking at a map. I offer directions. Man = happy, and I go on my merry way.

#2. A young asian girl and her mother are visiting the city, and have become lost on their way back to their hotel. It's the Fairmont, so I'm easily able to get them back on trak, and they're thankful not to be lost forever.

#3 While walking in opposit directions, a man stops me on the street to ask if there are "any coffee shops in this city that aren't Starbucks," after asking if I'm a 'local.' I tell him about a little shop around the corner from where we are that's also an art gallery, and that he should check it out. It's in the same direction that we're walking, so I invite him to walk with me to the nect street. He starts to, but stop to put money in his parking meter, and as he does so, he asks if I'd like to go for coffee with him...though he would "understand if I had a boyfriend or something." I gracefully let him down, and proceed to walk home, happy that I'm still pick-up-able.

So how do I interpret these interaction? #1 is me reaching out to a total stranger. #2 is the universe giving back, indicating that you get back what you put into it.

But #3....the coffee pick-up. Evidence that if you deal well with the reverse of what you put into the universe, that you'll get rewarded? Maybe. A nudge towards continuing to remember that people won't care to reach out to you if you don't put the effort into opening yourself up?

Or they're all coincidences. It doesn't matter. I like thinking that I started something my approaching someone else. I like thinking that there's hope for the lonely, so long as you remember to keep yourself open.

Night Moves

I'm on nights again...is it a surprise, then, that I'm blogging.

I think I should let you know, dear readers, why it is that sometimes I go through spurts where I blog and I blog and blog, and why sometimes the entries are bone-dry. It certainly isn't as if I haven't had thoughts, or things to write about. No, things continue to happen. But sometimes I find I'll stop blogging for a while, and start writing in my journal more. The writing still happens, just in a different place. Really, the location is all about the content. While blogging is a great way to spread news or photographs or delighful musings, it isn't exactly the place to turn to when the things you think aren't flattering. Fodder for gossip, I'm sure.

Writing is rather cathartic for me, I know. Lately I haven't been in a 'place' where I felt that there were many people to talk to when I've had heavy things on my mind, and it definitely helps to have a place to let it all out. But the blog isn't exactly the safest place to air your dirty laundry!

Also, I've been thinking about the impact of blogging on my thinking processes. The other day I was on the bus to work, and I started thinking about how I was feeling in terms of Blog titles. For those more technologically inclined, they'd look similar to a tweet or a more frequent facebook status update. Is that weird? Summing up an entire way of being into three or four words? Of course I forget what it was that I was thinking soonafter, but I do it with some frequency and I'm a tad worried.

Has anyone else had this experience?

Happy Birthday!

To my Sweetie-Pie:

Happy Birthday!

(sorry, babe. This isn't your actual cake. But it's pretty awesome!)

Little White Dream Clouds

I'm posting at 2am on a night shift again, but I think it's ok. I caught enough zzz's that I'm sure my thoughts are more organized tonight.

But what I am doing is taking a short break from one of my night shift duties - checking the MAR (medication administration record). I have to make sure that all of the lists of what meds each kid is going to get tomorrow is correct and up to date. Generally it takes me a long time (at least 2 hours), which I attribute to still being a new nurse and triple checking everything. I hear there are nurses that can do this job in much less time than me...

I'm more than half way done, but my attention wavered. I figured it would be better to take a break than to keep going and make a mistake. I started thinking about all of things I'd rather be doing other than checking these MAR's...sleeping....knitting....reading...surfing the Internet....

And that particular wavelength brought me back to thinking about all of the things I'd rather being doing in life than what I'm doing now. I've been musing on my little white dream clouds for a while....if I could drop everything and do exactly what I felt like doing right now....

I would go and spend some quality time in a little-known foreign country. I'd go on a real adventure all by myself (go Britt!)

I would join a theatre. I miss the theatre a lot, and even if they wouldn't let me be in the play I'd help paint sets, or sew costumes. I'd do anything to be a part of that again because it always made me feel really happy. (by the way, I smiled giant smile on the inside when a co-worker said "you know what? I think you should have been on a Children's tv show" as I silly-ly read a passage out of a Robert Munsch book)

I might move to Ontario. I thought about how good I felt being there in 2009, and I'd love to have that back. I'd have a little cottage house in Stratford and save up all of my pennies all year to go and see the plays. It makes me smile just thinking about it.

I'd start being more myself, more often. Sometimes I feel like work isn't a great self-concept calculator when you don't feel the same age as you're suppose to act like (ie, at the moment when I want to be silly and exuberant, I have to counsel a young girl who's feeling suicidal)

What about you? If you could imagine that one day you closed your eyes, and opened them to see that all of your responsibilities were gone and you had ties to nobody....how would you restart your everything? Would anything change? Would you return to what you were you doing? Or is there something completely different hiding in your little white dream clouds...?