This is it.

This is that moment.

This is the moment when I'm awake much past my bedtime because I can't go to sleep. I can't sleep because I know that when I wake up, the moment will be over. The memory of this moment - when all of those things that I love but have doubts about don't have doubts anymore and I'm blissed out on the thought of who I want to be rather than who I am now - won't be as clear as it is in this moment when I wake up.

Here's my secret. I very nearly cry every time I leave a theatre because the shows make me so happy and the realization that I'm not a part of it makes me sad. Theatre makes me feel like myself, but they also tear me up because I remember that a part of me is missing.

So tonight, having just come home from a wonderful show, I remember clearly how very much I need to be part of that world. I also then remember that for now, I'm still a card-carrying member of nursing land.

I don't want to go to sleep.