Two Months Later.

My last post was on April 16th. That's almost two months ago. I've just been doing all of my blogging internally. So for those of you not living in my head, here's the recap:

I've spent most of April just getting a hold of myself at work; where they keep the paperwork, who the kids are, who the staff are, where I fit, where I think I fit, what to tell people about who I am, what to hold back, what to learn, what do I already know, getting to sleep in time, what's my new morning routine, how do I juggle working 12 hour days and making healthy meals, where do I go shopping for groceries, what should I pack for lunch, do I pack breakfast and lunch or lunch and dinner for a 12 hour shift....

There's been a lot of my new life that I've had ot break in. It's still not all smoothed out, but I'm working on it.

Late April had me reeling from an enounter from a mentor-type person. The conversation was confusing and left me feeling like she thought I was a nincompoop and rather lazy. It was confuzing because there were mixed messages about the expectations of me from my superiors and I felt like I wasn't sure of where I stood until they already thought I hadn't done my job. It was a blow to the self esteem. Was I suited to this? Did I know what I was doing? Should I just give up? Well, it inspired me to be much more initiant (if that's a word) anyway. But I still find myself avoiding encounters with that colleague.

May was busy. I went to Kamloops twice. Once to visit family and to go to a friend's stagette party.

The next weekend was my birthday. I made the cake. It was delicious. Devil's food with icing made only from chocolate chips and whipped cream.
The Next trip back to Kamloops was for my Friend C's wedding. It was delightful and I couldn't be happier for them.

I'd been on the bus for 20 hours in May by the time I returned to Vancouver from that wedding. I could use a break from the Greyhound. uugh.

By June, I was chugging along at work. I was feeling settled and goal-oriented. I was creating great relationships with Staff (who started asking for my phone number and inviting me out to do things) and getting to know some of the "patients" in a way that was helpful and therapeutic. (If I call them "kids" from now on instead of patients, it's just because calling them that seems weird, work-wise. They're unwell, of course, but not in the physical sense...) I was already acting as a "primary nurse" for at least one of them (that means I'm always assigned to him/her when I'm working and I likely know them best and have the most defined care plan for them). I was feeling pretty good. Pretty relaxed.

Too relaxed.

I'm going to write about this next story only for cathartic reasons; everyone has/is going to say that it's "not my fault" but the guilt thing has been naggin at me and frankly, I'm having anxiety about going back to work tomorrow and having to work with this situation.

My "primary" kid returned from her weekend pass home to her family. She's got a history of depression and suicidal tenedncies. Things had been going well for her in the hospital. She was open to talking about her thoughts. It was a difficult progression, but it was (or seemed to be) progressing. So she returned to the hospital a 7:25pm, 5 minutes before I was supposed to leave. The short story is that I figured I could trust her so didn't do a real belongings/sharps check of her luggage.

Guess what she brought in to the hospital.

The next morning, I learn that she's tried to committ suicide. Shit. Shit Shit SHIT!!! AAARRRRHHHH!!D:ADIN:Q@E*({!@()$%&P#^*(_!!

Great.

Oh, and because of the bare-bones night shift staff combined with the suicide attempt (and subsequent trip to the ER) and another inpatient's abusive behaviour to another kid, neither my Primary's doctor OR HER PARENTS have been contacted.

Double Fuck.

Not only do I have to help my primary deal with the previous night's events, I also have to deal with all the phone calls and the anger and the upset and the worry.

And I've NEVER had to deal with an event like this before.

The social worker dealing with my primary ended up doing the guided imagery relaxation activity with both my primary AND me. I needed almost as must help as the people going through it.

Oh, yea, and because the mom was in a place of anger, she needed somone to blame. Guess who she chose. Just guess. She couldn't look at me. Not that day, not the day after. Maybe tomorrow...?

After the day after, I started by 5 days off from work. It couldn't have come at a better time. It's fairly unusual that I would get 5 days off in a row, and I'm so thankful that it came now. Until now I've been able to completely 100% forget about work the moment I step out of the hospital. I spent the last 5 days trying to forget. But it's rough. I went to church today to try and do some centering and working on self-forgiveness - drawing strength. One of the "prayers of the people
was to give strength to "doctors and nurses." I tried my best to feel that. But it was hard. And tomorrow is like facing the fears. We'll see how things pan out. Wish me luck. I'll need it.