WHAT!? It's OVER??!

Blast.

I really did have a wonderful, fabulous, thrilling time at the KDA Dance show. The first night was OK, and I didn't have many MAJOR screw-ups. The second night I killed the Fantasia dance where I'm the ostrich and I just had as much fun as I could wearing the tutu. I made a bunch of blunders in the Masquerade dance, which apparently my parents didn't notice, but dad brought a video camera, and is zoomed in on me right as I'm making all of my mistakes...*sigh*

And I made sure to plow over all the bitches who might have been in my way when I wanted to wear my tutu for our bows. Actually, nobody tried to take me on, but in my mind I would have fought them. I wanted to wear that thing for as long as I could.

So the show, in general, went great. Everyone was fabulous and although the audience was less than exciting, all of the dancers were buzzing and offered oodles of support.

We did our bows, and clapped for our fellow dancers as they came on stage. Then we all sat down on the stage and watched the slide show with the audience that had been created for KDA's 25th anniversary. I'd seen it before - the night previous. But at that moment I just felt like: here I am, sitting in my tutu, surrounded by all of these people that are wonderful, and who care so much about dance. These people are all going to come back next year and dance and be beautiful andbe the "dance family" that KDA is, that I love. But I won't be part of that..."

And that's when it really hit me that I wasn't going to be back. That I wasn't going to be part of that buzzing atmosphere, or the ferociously humid backstage, or the endless supply of glitter, or the costumes...There I was sitting in my tutu on stage, and I'd probably never do that again. I pretty much bawled. The only thing I had going for me in that moment was that because it was so damn hot backstage, some people commented on how it looked like I was so sweaty because my face was glistening. It wasn't sweat. Thank the Lord for a good friend nearby and my stupidly non-running mascara.

Maybe I'll dance again. There are tons of places all over that have dance schools, of course. Maybe one day I'll even be back to KDA...a few years from now. I draw inspiration from some of the other ladies who dance when I see that now they have kids, they come to class alongside their little girls and I hope that I'll get to dance again. But maybe I won't. I've notoriouslt been the oldest girl in my ballet classes - a 23 year old dancing with the 13 year old girls...When I started ballet I was in highschool and it wasn't so bad to be melded. But I would wonder about joining a new class with younger girls that I haven't danced with before....6 years before...

But I still love dance. I'll get it in there somehow, I think.

OhMiGod!

YESSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I got a call this morning....from "Vicky Stewart, Director of Nursing at Knollcrest Lodge in Milverton, Ontario"

qewirtg ';eohjer
pljurt;yjkr't;lykmi I'm so excited I can barely type properly! I just want to bang the keys! asldkughsd;fklhjdf;lhjd'flkjd'f;ljd'f;ljk
d; v'asler'friyn;vmgjhdlyilbg'

Feels good.

Anyway, she asked me when I can start. She said she could have a schedule for me in a couple of days....

but that maybe I should send her my resume first, just for the sake of tradition.

She'll take me worts and all...only for the summer, and even though Grandpa lives there.

She said that she has to take the resume, but that "you're a new grad, and you want to work in Geri...I'm not going to say no...you know?"


BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!

I'm so happy right now. You have no idea.

I love dance

I went to my technical rehearsal for my dance recital this evening. We weren't in costume or anything, but there's just something about being up on stage...It feels really really good.

Even when I muck up the steps because I've managed to miss 9 weeks of classes since january...

I'm really, really excited about it. It's my first time wearing a tutu, which I've mentioned before, but I absolutely love it. I love everything about my tutu. And I just feel wonderfully silly and girly whenever I wear it. It's delightful.

But then a couple of times this evening, I thought: Maybe next year I'll take another class...like Lyrical or Hip-hop. I'll have more money to be able to do it because I'll be a real live nurse.

And then I remember that the chances of me being in Kamloops next year are kinda slim.



And then I doubly remember that even if I was in Kamloops, I probably couldn't take more than one class because I'd be nursing, which means odd and crazy hours and I couldn't just take classes three times a week because no place would hire me like that...blah.

So then I realize that I'll probably not be dancing like this again. Of course there will be opportunities - like when I was at UBC and working at the Hospital, I was able to go to drop-in ballet classes a few times a week....but there wasn't anything like a recital at the end.

Boo.

So I'm just going to enjoy every second of this last opportunity to dance at the Sagebrush. Maybe one day, many years from now I'll be able to come back....maybe.

I'll just have fun in my beautiful tutu while I can :)

The Adventures of...

Superblah.

I dunno. I went out to see some friends at a local pub for some Open Mic hilarity, and pretty much I still felt blah. I'm pretty sure that's what cleared the table I was sitting at, and so then logically I felt worse because there I was sitting at a pub alone at a table....and I didn't even have a drink! There were only like 20 people there in the pub, and nobody served me. I liked listening to the music, and I got there just in time to see my friend (and her friend) perform, so that was good. Other than that, it was weird. I got there, and there were about 10 people I knew...but people I sort of know. People I used to work with, or did a show with...or went to school with...but it was like "do I go over and say hi?" "They're with friends....should I approach?" "Do they remember me?" "Is it because they remember me that they aren't saying hi?"

So naturally I was feeling more ick than when I went in. And of course, when a couple of people asked me how I was (you know, the way people do offhandedly when you see someone "How's it goin?"), all I could come up with was "doing well...keepin' afloat." Nice. So you look downtrodden, and then you try and offload on others.

So I guess I shouldn't have been surprised when my table for 10 was empty. But honestly, it's not like I said much to people. But then, it could have been because I was terribly uninteresting. That's a definite possibility.

This is pretty blah, and I apologise for those who have to read this. Mind you, you come to my blog and take the risk in reading it of your own valition. I'm tired, too, which is probably why I made the decision to write this in the first place....dumb idea.

I'm just trying to nail down one thing in my life. I realized while on a hike with my parents this evening that I don't even know what I'm going to wear to Grad in a week or so. I've had 5 years to think about it....

Praying Disengaged

So I did all of the aforementioned praying from the last blog.

It didn't help.

I just feel more muddled.

work, car, summer, living location, grad, RN exam....I'm feeling pretty muddled. And it just feels worse because I can't make one decision without another having already been decided upon...except I can't decide on that one either because it relies on something else in some crazy circle of ugggh.

Oh, and I didn't get a ticket for anyone I know to come to my dance show. It's entirely sold out. Sandi has put me on a list of people who are grovelling to those who have purchased tickets to both show nights to see if they'll be nice and let us buy a ticket off of them....but it really bummed my day out right after I had just finished sewing my very first (and most likely, last) tutu. A tutu that I probably wouldn't get to dance in in front of anyone I know. Sure.

asrgkh'asrilgtu'rglvujt'hlvjrct. That's pretty much how I feel right now.

Is this even possible?

I'm trying to apply for a job. It's not a big job, and it's not fancy, but I want it. So I went to their website.

under the "careers" section, it outlines the positions available. Then is says "forward resumes to Ms. X at XXX mailing address." also there's a fax number.

I get it. This job is in the middle of Amish country, but you've got a webpage! you'd think then they'd have an email address to bring resumes to! So I called up this nursing coordinator. I got her voicemail.

All I said was that (it's in quotes, but I'm loosely quoting) "I'm a new nurse, and I don't live anywhere near this place ( so I sure as heck can't bring my resume in in person. I could fax it, but then I couldn't ask them questions at all...) and here's my number. By the way, did I say I was a new grad and that I want to work for you? My name's Sarah."

Now I have to cross my fingers and pray.

YA!

I've got a NEW follower today! YESSSSS. THREE!!

unbalanced

Is it weird that:

So I don't have a job yet. I mean, I have "a" job, but it's my care aide job and they haven't called me once since I've been home. And despite the fact that I've done a few things, and I intend to do a few things yet, and so have tried to justify that I'm not going to go ahead and get a full time job right out of school because of these things I want to do...(if that makes sense.) I've always been a person who likes to make plans. Because of what I want to do, there's a certain amount of uncertainty....

Basically, while I'm toiling over what I'm supposed to do for work - at all - for the next 6 months..or really 12 months because I'm not even sure which province I'm going to be in...I keep hearing (mostly over facebook) about my classmate friends who have great jobs and are making oodles of cash in the nursing field of their choice - and getting experience in the things that we'll be tested on in 19 days on the RN exam - and I'm feeling a little left out/left behind.

But I shouldn't because it was my choice to do some of these things. I could easily have just taken a job in Kamloops and be working now. But if I'd done that, I wouldn't have been able to go flying for those two weeks. And I'd be stuck in a job that wouldn't allow me to go east to visit old grandpappy (who'll be turning 102 years this June) because of all the hoops it takes to get any sort of time off from work. Same goes for "undecided overseas trip." I'm expecting that will be for several weeks. What hospital is going to allow me to take several weeks off from work right after they've trained me? I had that one interview in Ontario, but the job wouldn't even start until September when I'm supposed to be away. They did say that they would train me pretty much all summer in order to be prepped for Sept, but to he honest, I don't know where I'm going to be in October. This whole mess with the economy has meant that Mike (and all other engineers) is having a harder time finding a job. So I'm waiting in the wings to see where he'll get work. That's fine. It's what we have to do, but here I go being unable to plan out my life again! egad.

I'm pretty sure I'm messed up. Look at me writing all this stuff on the internet. But I pretty much always feel better after I write it.

I'm sure I'll feel even more better when I get my ostrich costume/tutu all made up.

Feeling Better

Was it retail therapy? Maybe. I went to Wal-Mart. I got out of the house, is more like it. None of my issues have been resolved - not by a long shot. But I got a birthday card in the mail today, and I was able to find the white feathers I needed to stick into my tutu to act a plumage for my Ostrich costume for my dance recital. I got a little giddy. I also played my guitar a little earlier. I haven't been able to do that in a while, and I missed it. While I was away, all of my callouses wore off, so I've got to play lots in order to get them back!

Plus, my brother finally has a job! After much toiling and turmoil, he got a job working night shifts in the warehouse of...where else...Wal-Mart. He's pretty thrilled. He's also calculating how much money he's going to have on his first paycheck. He doesn't have the money yet! We'll see what actually happens with all his money when the time comes around...

I'm totally Back!

But not really? I mean, I'm back in Kamloops, but I'm not sure where I am mentally. Probably here...but there are so many little (but not so little) things that I'm supposed to get sorted out that I'm not exactly feeling grounded.

I'm supposed to find a job. Being a nurse, you'd think this would be easy. Finding a job that fits into my perception of what the job needs to be is harder. I want something for the summer. I'm going away for several weeks in the fall, so I need to be able to get mucho time off then. So, "just" a summer job rather than a job that expects me to stay for the rest of my life (or at least 8-12 months)? In nursing, this is waaay hard, expecially seeing that I'm a new nurse with pretty much no experience. This means that people are willing to train me. But how bad is that to go through weeks of training and then just leave? BAH. I'm trying to get this job at an old folks home in Ontario. I tried there last year but they told me that they don't hire for the summer. Then one of my mom's friends - who nurses there - emailed her this: "hey, is Sarah done school yet? Knollcrest is looking for nursing students for the summer?" This sentence confuses me because how could I fit into that job as a graduate nurse if I'm supposed to be a nursing student? But I'm going to ask anyway.

I'm supposed to get a car. I have no money because I don't really have a job. Well, I have a job, but it's not nursing, and it pays me 1/2 of what I should be making as a nurse.

Dance recital. That's in a week and a 1/2. In the fall semester of dance class, I've missed 9 weeks. I'm just trying not to look too much like a fool. Plus I still have yet to make my costume.

RN Exam. I haven't studied. My degree program has been preparing me for this for the pas 4 years, and I haven't picked up a book yet. I'm not totally scared, because I'm pretty confident in the answers I had in the practice book....but maybe I should be? 20 days left until I write it.

I've got some clutter I need to clean up. Laundry to fold, travel trinkets to put away....doesn't seem like it should be a stressor because I haven't had anyone call me to work yet so I spend a lot of time a home....but I don't like spending entire days in my basement bedroom with no real natural light. Plus I'm a little lazy.

I owe money. Not just my visa, or my impending $12, 000 student loan (which in the big picture isn't that big) but after this trip I just had, I owe some people come serious cabbage. Vegas doesn't pay for itself....(neither does Roswell, or San Diego, or Los Angeles.....)

I'm sure I'll be OK. I just feel better letting some of that out. Maybe if I can see it, I can make tickey-boxes to check off each one when they're over....

One thing I did complete, though, was a pretty power-point presentation outlining my entire western US trip. It'll be burned onto CD and mailed for the people I can't bring my flash drive to.